


let her be; it's just what she wanted

by playthrough



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel), ddlc
Genre: Dreams vs. Reality, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Overdosing, Suicidal Thoughts, dreams.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-16
Updated: 2018-01-16
Packaged: 2019-03-05 13:39:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13388964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/playthrough/pseuds/playthrough
Summary: she is too aware of everything, until she isn't.





	let her be; it's just what she wanted

**Author's Note:**

> a warmup fic, since i haven't written much in a WHILE & i have an essay due tomorrow as well as a few fics planned that i just want practice for!
> 
> this is... pretty cryptic; i wrote this in ~1 hour without any sort of beta (and right before midnight, too....), so it likely doesn't make much sense...
> 
> -
> 
> EDIT 1/20: PLEASE if you think you could be suffering from depression or suicidal thoughts, proceed with extreme caution, and do not replicate what is described in this fic! this is also entirely fiction.

_The time is 11:15 PM._

Sayori blinks.

Sometimes when she does this, her eyelids are heavy and make an audible click of sorts in her head, sounding out behind her eyes, and she cannot help but repeat the action, over and over, until she finds herself practically already asleep in the bathroom simply because she’s been standing there curiously for what feels like a decade, a millenia. Other times, nothing happens, and it is simply viewed as a normal human action, and she allows herself to splash water onto her face and leave the bathroom without giving it (or anything else, for that matter) a second thought.

Tonight, opening the medicine cabinet after a hesitant moment of thought, she adds one more step to her nightly routine.

 

_The time is 11:22._

Sayori swallows.

It tastes bad (and always has, but knowing what this specific bottle will do to her perhaps makes the taste a little better tonight), but, as always, she thinks she deserves this.

 

_The time is 11:32 PM._

Sayori breathes.

 _In, out. In, out…_ \- and repeat.

It is not an… unpleasant feeling. Feeling the air travel in through her nose, and out through her mouth; sometimes it is silent, absolutely impossible to hear even when she tries her best to lie still and concentrate on the dry feeling of air entering and exiting her system and nothing else, and sometimes her nose whistles and her exhales are heavy and ragged instead. She has always been very much conscious of her breathing taking place, simply _happening_ , and _that_ \- that is where the discomfort blooms.

She does not _want_ it to happen.

It would be so much easier if it did not happen. Each and every day, there are continually more deaths in the world (alongside more lives; however, she cannot be one of these yet, as she is already alive, and being born again while being alive is not humanly possible yet - so, she does not focus on the new lives that come into the world each day, because she will never reach their level) - people who have stopped breathing. They do not have to feel conscious of their breathing. It is selfish, but she wants this - she thinks this to herself, on average, more than once, twice, a day, and it is even more prominent when she dreams -

dreaming.

It is a poetic word. She considers (and already has considered, in the past) writing a poem for the literature club, entirely based on this outlook on dreaming. To her, it is the state of being asleep, and yet at the same time being awake, in a world the deepest parts of her mind have conjured up for her to live in, even if only for a few hours before she is forced out.

Sometimes, it is a pleasant dream, in a place she recognises, or perhaps a realm she has never seen before (she enjoys this; she enjoys the mystery, and often finds herself in awe at how brilliantly different each one manages to be), and sometimes it is not, and she wakes up shaking and cold and feeling a little bit less sure of herself (which, considering how low her self esteem already happens to be, is not a very ideal situation - not that she bothers to try and stop it, because it is not her place to).

She thinks she deserves these dreams.

 

_The time is 11:44 PM._

Sayori sleeps.

Tonight, she is not dreaming. It is a weird sensation; she is too aware of the darkness tonight, of the lack of a new world for her to explore.

She wonders why there is nothing for her this time around, but such nights do occasionally roll around. She cannot change that, and so she accepts it, and patiently awaits her awakening.

 

_The time is 11:59 PM._

Sayori cannot breathe. There is something in her lungs, preventing the air from entering and exiting.

She feels herself struggle, until she doesn’t. Until she can’t.  


_The time is 11:59 PM._

Sayori cannot move. She does not try, anymore.

 

_The time is 11:59 PM._

The time is 11:59 PM, until it isn’t, and then it is 12:00.

Then it is 12:00 AM, and it is a new day.

 

_The time is 12:00 AM._

It is a new day, and there is one more death added to the world.

**Author's Note:**

> I COME BACK IN 2018...WITH THIS BULLSHIT...... well anyway! that's just some tea... i loved sayori maybe one day i'll write her into a happy au


End file.
